Fun & Frustration

I thought I would have many posts for April since I decided to participate in Camp Nano. However, starting the month off with a bad case of food poisoning and trying to push through it to get words down was harder than it sounds. I can say that since the 1st, I have made an effort to write something every day, even if it is as few as 32 words. In doing that, I’ve discovered that I enjoy writing streaks and am considering ways to continue it after camp. There’s something about being able to see my progress that feels really good. On the other hand, it’s eye-opening. As I write, I question lines, sections, pace, and character perception. Sometimes, I really need a fresh pair of eyes to look over it and let me know if there’s an issue or if it’s just my inner critic.
I hate how much I mention my lack of team and how it hurts me. I was on a roll with writing one day and randomly remembered that I may be releasing books without so much as a Beta because when there is a deadline, I can’t afford to wait weeks or months for people to get back to me. I don’t know what to do at this point, and it’s the main reason I’m dragging my feet when it comes to posting about these projects and revealing anything. I don’t want to say anything and then not release it because I care about the quality of my writing and refuse to drop a hot ass mess expecting people to understand my situation and pay for it anyway. The reality is I may never release another book. That thought is worrisome and painful.

Choosing to remain optimistic, I keep going, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s for nothing. My goal has been and remains to have fun with it. However, the frustrations are always there.

.Back & Forth

This project's opening image makes me want to dropkick my laptop. It’s so strange that I have plotted the entire book at least three times but am still not sold on how to begin. The smart thing would be to move on and then go back to it. The way my brain is set up, I’m going to constantly think that I need to figure it out and feel like I am creating plot holes if I skip ahead. I’m going to try, though. I have to get moving. I want to share some of the details about this but don’t feel comfortable posting the series title without having a certain about of the book written. Tomorrow marks a month since I set my deadline, and I already know I’m not going to make it.
I hate to keep mentioning this, but I miss having people to talk to about it. My mother is trying, but her mind is sort of like mine. We get hung up on one detail, and even if it doesn’t work, we get trapped in that box. The difference between us—eventually, I will have a breakthrough. It takes longer than I like. I sent her a few books and screenshots of opening images that grabbed me enough to buy the book. I think she only read one.

In her defense, she did tell me she does not have the attention span to read anymore. She’s trying for me and I truly appreciate it.
So every night, I have been sitting at my desk or on my bed with several sheets of paper, trying to figure out what it is I’m missing and why I’m overthinking this like I’m responsible for solving world hunger.
In this book, my main character—we shall call her “P”—goes through a lot of things. There are some choices to be made, which I feel is a MUST for readers to understand. The only way that happens is if all the bases are covered, and things are explained properly before she encounters these situations. Seems simple, right? So what’s the problem? The actual story begins at least two months after she makes a decision to go after what she wants, and the story is about that journey. What happens before that moment feels irrelevant to me. However, after reading Save The Cat Writes A Novel, I understand that it’s necessary for the reader to see it. If readers experience the hardships with your character, they become more invested in seeing them overcome their challenges.
Why not go with flashbacks? Personally, I hate them. I’ve read a number of books that uses them, and to be completely honest, I’ve almost always skimmed during the first read. The premise of the book is typically what hooks me. When the story ventures away from the present situation, my interest drops. Unless that character is so captivating, and I HAVE to know what made them the way that they are, the flashbacks don’t really matter to me. I don’t consider “P” a character who needs a lot of explaining to be understood. The situation isn’t multilayered, creating a complex heroine. She could honestly be any woman you pass on a daily, born into unfortunate circumstances but determined to have the life she wants despite it. There are some insecurities because I love a flawed character. Do they require an entire scene to make sense of them? Not really. Perhaps the issue. She isn’t damaged enough. Sometimes, I think making characters too broken can feel unrelatable to readers, and I try to avoid it.
I don’t know. This is one of the times I would turn to my group to either shake me or help me find a way out of this box I’m trapped in. For now, I’m going to keep adding to my opening lines doc and attempt to move on.

.Trigger Finger

I have been going back and forth, debating what details—if any—I’m going to share about Project Fame. On the one hand, I want to share some things in hopes it will help generate some excitement to get more moving faster. Back when I had people I could share things with, it was common for me to discuss everything about the story, ideas, and possible titles, and share images I created. More often than not, just talking to them excited me to write more. I couldn’t wait for their reactions and feedback. The ability to do that is sorely missed. In my head, I sometimes convince myself that sharing on social media would be similar but it wouldn’t be since there is little interaction there when I do share things. A webinar with a bestselling author detailed the best way to generate anticipation for your book by using Goodreads. She suggested simply posting the title and a temp cover and then frequently updating the post to share progress. She was even kind enough to when you should update and what based on the percentage of progression. And still, I’m gun-shy.
Project Fame is a story stemming from an idea I had years ago. I sat on the idea until the pieces came together and I woke up with the characters on my mind. I searched GoodReads and Amazon for a similar story and found none. That made me wonder and eventually agree that I need to write it. It’s a mix of tropes with touches of darkness, drama, maybe some angst, and if I can help it, steamy romance. When I think about it, I get a little excited. Yet, when I sit down to write it, my brain chooses that moment to remind me that there’s a possibility it won’t see the light of day. This leads me to why I haven’t posted about it.

I worry about disappointing people.
It all goes back to being a one-woman team. Now that I can’t say, “Hey, I came up with a new recipe, and I need you to taste it for me before I put it on the menu,” I’m not as comfortable showing what I’ve worked on. I loathe the idea of putting something out without having fresh, trusted eyes go over it first. I worry about posting teasers and soon after, getting hit with self-doubt that prompts me to scrap the book and go back to the idea board. If I showed my docs, you’d see a sad amount of versions for the same books.
Although I have felt pretty confident about this project and feel it’s a story I need to tell, I’ve found that simply thinking about pulling the trigger doesn’t come without anxiety.
Another writer once told me they write like no one will ever read it. I think that’s a great way to go about it. When drafting this book and many others, I’ve tried to keep that in mind. Like the countless books currently staring at me, it’s a work in progress.
In the coming weeks, I hope to steel myself and graduate to the fuck-it level that will allow me to just do it and care. Hope is the keyword.

.Process & Progress

It’s no secret that writing has been a struggle. For the past two or three years, everyone has been going through changes and adjusting to new norms. For me, it hasn’t been all across the board. My writing process has changed in such a way that I’ve basically had to reinvent it.

As one of those authors who needs to be able to discuss their ideas out loud to spark new ones, who benefit from encouragement, and who needs a good shake now and then, I’m honestly struggling right now. Every person that I’ve counted on to do those things for me has had to back out due to life changes or some other reason. Although I know it’s not about me, mentally, I’ve taken that to mean being all that may be a bit of a burden. Not wanting to burden anyone, I stopped asking and tried to reunite with my old friends—pen and paper. I’d love to say we’ve gotten closer in the past few months and are falling in love again but…

The pen and paper don’t exactly fill the void. I set goals. I sat down and tried to write countless times. I even created writing schedules that would allow my brain to rest on one project while focusing on another. Still, I find myself in the same place with the twins self-doubt and second-guessing there to comfort me. For a while, I allowed myself to think my case of imposter syndrome wasn’t real because only an imposter needs people to encourage and inspire them. However, I found out I wasn’t alone. By watching author vlogs on YouTube and reading articles about improving your writing, I discovered that Alpha readers really are utilized by some of the greatest, and having them is a blessing. However, not having them doesn’t stop the show. The time I took off from writing, I was miserable. I felt like I had lost something. So I know for sure that Daddy’s Debt turns out to be the last book I’’ ever publish, I’m going to keep writing.

It’s that fact that I’ve been trying to turn into a mindset. Writing simply because it gives me peace and purpose before all else. Basically, I’m trying to get to the level of “fuck it” where I can create freely and worry about nothing as long as it’s the story I want to tell. I’m hoping to accomplish that with this open journal and many other things.

So for those of you who have committed to riding with me, I thank you with every bit of my heart. As you’ll see in upcoming posts, I am just as committed to bringing you books that’ll take you on adventures, make you smile, cry, swoon, and then curse me out.

Until then, remember you are appreciated.